Not Really

The devastating feeling of never arriving and the truth behind it

Are we slaves or do we enslave ourselves? Gordon is a middle manager in an international grocery store in Japan. He’s working very hard to prove his worth, but the world doesn’t seem to respond. Drowning his misery in alcohol, he desperately tries to find love while his career is taking unexpected turns. He aspires to be whole, but all he can think of is his fear of not being enough. Shame is penetrating every hour of his existence and the harder he tries to escape, the more problems he invites into his life. He’s captivated by a story nobody ever tried to challenge, and in his quest for the truth, he realizes a new beginning is often tied to a painful end.

Not Really consists of two parts. The first tells the tale of a hard-working loser, the second tries to explain why everything in life depends on the story we tell ourselves. Utilizing sociological, psychological, philosophical, and other ways of thinking, the book explores the workings behind our reality, how we can shift from being to becoming and why life will always be a compromise.


Stefan Eberhard has always been a professional loser. He started many different businesses during his forty years and failed at all of them. Woman didn’t particularly like him, although he managed to have some strange and sometimes even hostile relationships. He couldn’t understand why nothing ever happened since he worked hard and tried to help people, but that didn’t stop his hunger for knowledge. In 2019, as distraction in the form of parties and alcohol weren’t able to alleviate his pain any longer, he withdrew from everyday life, and inquired into his suffering in order to find a better future. He wanted to know who he was, and what he must pursue, to reach fulfillment – on the grounds that all his previous ideas went blatantly wrong. After yet another failed attempt to be a musician, he waned to a stop. He finally let go of false assumptions and concentrated his efforts toward the truth. What followed were endless discussions with himself and constantly soaking in large amounts of material each day. The more he looked into the information, the more he was surprised by the results. When he awakened to the reality that he is certain to be an author, work was enjoyable for the first time and he pushed for six more months to write his first book: Not Really.

Accordion Content

The painting paints itself if the colors are already mixed. Research weighs me down. It often feels like as if there’s a physical weight pushing me into the ground. Writing, on the other hand, is more of a relief.

Important questions never leave my head until I’m satisfied with the answer. I think I have some kind of philosophical OCD. My process is essentially to gather as much information, from what I think are credible sources, as I can, and then I try to synthesize everything into a congruent whole. It can get very complex and it’s often exhausting. 

By giving truthful information. A good product will always be appreciated. In these times, where shareholders are more important than people, it’s all about scandals and clickbait, but there has to be a better way.

I’m trying hard to make it as easy as possible to buy and read my stuff. I like to have options myself and I hope that people appreciate that. If someone wants to pirate something, they will anyway. If you buy the book from me you’re free to use it however you like. But please don’t send it haphazardly to your friends. I think the price is fair for what you get, and it would mean a lot to me if I could keep writing books for a living. Otherwise, I may end up working a job I’m not believing in and that scares me because I want to be proud of myself. 

You can read my privacy policy, but it’s very complicated. I cannot know if some plugin will collect more data than I want in the future, so I left it rather broad. It has become some kind of a joke if I tell you I respect your privacy, however, I really do. I don’t use any social media plugins or Google Analytics. I do use Mailchimp to send stuff to my mailinglist though. Mailchimp uses a cookie to let me know if you clicked on a link in these emails. I may also collect anonymized data via simple analytics, and I have a discord server. My shop plugin uses a cookie for your cart which expires after two days. The rest is related to the processing of your order. That’s it as far as I know.

Yes! Yes, they did. But if you don’t figure things out by failing, you’ll never know how to approach the next chapter of your life.


If you are interested in Not Really and consider buying it, you can either head over to your favorite shop below, or you can get it right here. Should you prefer reading with your kindle or like to have a real book in your hand, I’d recommend getting it from Amazon. It’s also a little bit cheaper on the other stores. But if you like to have the freedom to read with any device and/or prefer to have actual files, you’re definitely better off getting it from my shop. This would also cut out the middleman and support me if that’s something you care about.   

In the next section are three products. The full book, only the story, and only the truth. Maybe you are more interested in going on an adventure with Gordon and his friends, and you don’t care so much about sophisticated reasoning. Or you may be more interested in the truth and don’t care for adventure. Either way, if you can’t decide you can still buy the full version. It’s up to you. Clicking a button leads directly to the checkout page. I accept many payment methods and currencies, but the prices are the same everywhere. So if you’re in the UK or somewhere else doesn’t matter. After the payment is done you’ll receive an email with your download. Every order comes as a ZIP file containing three different formats for you to enjoy. 




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